Yuri! Uncensored!
by StarryKnight94
Summary: The Grand Prix finalists and Viktor are brought together under one roof to compete, not for a medal, but for the last roommate standing. These athletes seem friendly enough in competition, but what happens when things get real? Will they last in the same house together? Who will be voted off first and who will win the million dollar prize? Find out on Yuri! Uncensored!
1. Chapter 1

The scene opened on a lonely box of Lucky Charms sitting on the dining room table. Sunlight spilled in from every wall of the first floor to catch the red shade just right. Yuri Plisetsky lugged down the stairs in a tiger onesie, shoulders slumped over, eyes dark, puffy and more than vaguely aggravated. Pichit, who'd been playing Super Mario Bros. on the sofa with Chris, noticed the Russian Punk's arrival and gave a sharp intake of breath. Chris only grinned. There was about to be some shit.

Yuri shot them a short, but adequately derisive scowl before stomping around the dark marble kitchen counter over to the table. He yanked a bowl from the dishwasher and snatched up the Lucky Charms box so harshly that it nearly flew out of his hands. Giving the box a confused look, he shook at it a bit. Then he pried it open and peeked inside.

"HUH?!" he roared.

"Here we go," Chris mouthed.

"WHO THE FUCK ATE MY LUCKY CHARMS?!" Yuri bellowed to the entire house, ripping the box open with his bare hands.

"I don't know, Yuri," Pichit frowned with much sympathy. "It wasn't us. Did you ask Otabek? You know he likes the purple ones."

"OTABEK WOULD NEVER EAT MY LUCKY CHARMS!" Yuri snapped in his direction, causing him to burrow further into the cushions. "It was probably that PIG friend of yours!"

In a striking shift, laughter suddenly broke the angry tension that had so quickly arrested the room.

"Yuuri!" came the soft, Gru-like tones of Viktor Nikiforov. "That was so much fun! We should picnic everyday!" He nuzzled against Yuuri's cheek, arms draped around him.

"Viktor…" Yuuri started tersely as he all but dragged the larger man through the screen door, two bowls full of milk in his hands. "You're going to make me drop these!"

"It's alright," Viktor nuzzled harder, pressing more of his weight onto Yuuri. "Think of it as balance training!"

Chris scoffed and turned to Pichit with a face that plainly said 'Kill me now'. Pichit was engrossed in his iPhone, snapping away.

Before Yuuri could make it to the dishwasher, Yuri had blocked his path, eyes slit, fists clenched. They simply blinked at him.

"What's that you're holding, pig?" Yuri grumbled under his breath, shoulders trembling.

"Huh?" Yuuri looked down at the bowls. "… bowls?"

"Bowls OF WHAT?!"

Yuuri and Viktor frowned. "Milk?"

"ENOUGH!" Yuri lashed out an arm, one index finger pointed at them. "DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT EAT MY FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS?!"

"... We thought they were everyone's Lucky Charms." Yuuri explained.

"Sharing is caring, Yurio," Viktor added.

"MY GRANDPA SENT THOSE FOR ME!" Viktor frowned thoughtfully.

"Well, it wasn't in your personal cabinet so…" He grinned a heart shaped grin. "DIBS!" Ignoring Yuri's twitching eyes, his attention drifted downward. "Yurio…" he started. "Is that a baby Simba onesie?"

"No!" Yuri protested at once, stretching the material of the onesie to give them a better look. "It's a tiger suit! It's HARDCORE!"

Yuuri grinned, a small blush on his cheeks. "Kawaii!"

"RIGHT?!" Viktor cooed. "I want a Makkachin one!"

* * *

 **CUT TO CONFESSION ROOM**

 _Yuri's fingers dug violently into the crimson Confession Room chair._

 _"I swear to fucking God if they call me cute one more time, I'm gonna knife a bitch!"_

* * *

"IT'S!" Yuri huffed. "HARD!" Yuri puffed. "CORE!" He swung a foot around, knocking the bowls from Yuuri's hands and sending them crashing upon the hardwood floor. He smirked as they cracked and splintered before turning rebellious eyes on Yuuri. "You clean it up, pig!"

"Awwwwww." Another voice entered the room from the top of the stairs. "Someone's an angry kitty!" J.J descended in a velvet robe with a particularly large bowl of Lucky Charms, his theme song blasting from his phone.

"NOT A KITTY!" Yuri hissed, his breathing uneven.

"Is the Leprechaun missing his gold?" J.J teased further.

"I ALREADY GOT THE GOLD YOU BRONZE BITCH!" Yuri bellowed.

"Oohoohoooo…" Chris snickered. "He set himself up for that one…"

"Yuri," Otabek suddenly appeared at the heaving punk's side with a small silver, blue and red device. "Your inhaler."

"Hey J.J!" Chris greeted him. "We were just about to go grab a bite!"

"Great!" J.J's eyes lit up. "I'll come too!"

"NO!" Nearly everyone exclaimed.

"I mean," Pichit started as he and Chris slowly backed away. "It looks like you have enough Lucky Charms…"

"And it'll probably take some time to recover from that burn." Chris whistled.

"Dick." Yuri cursed mid-puff, letting Otabek lead him away.

"We'll just go on our own," Viktor explained in a honeyed tone, crowding Yuri toward the screen door again.

J.J nodded awkwardly. "O-Oh. Okay then."

* * *

 **CUT TO CONFESSION ROOM**

J.J sat in the chair in his robe, spooning at soggy Lucky Charms, 'Theme of J.J' still blasting from his phone.

"Can you believe my life right now?" he asked the camera. "This is great!"

The record skipped and suddenly soft, melancholy music began to play. "It's just…"

The camera zoomed in.

"Sometimes I feel…" his voice wavered. "Like no one wants to talk to me…"

The music swelled.

"... because their too nervous to approach a King like me." He dabbed at his eyes a bit before winking at the camera. "I hope they learn to just be themselves. After all," The Theme of J.J resumed. "Only I can do… J.J STYLE!"

* * *

 **Welcome to Yuri! Uncensored! Where all six of the Grand Prix final contestants and five time gold medalist Viktor Nikiforov join together to compete again… FOR LAST ROOMMATE STANDING. Who will win the million dollar prize?! YOU DECIDE!**

Voting commences soon!

* * *

Authors Note: Hope you guys like this goofy idea. Please feel free to add things you'd like to see. Like Reality show cliches and trials and what not. After a few more chapters, I will probably ask for votes and the least popular skater goes!


	2. Crisis Averted

Hooter's was roaring that night. Raucous laughter and loud music filled their ears from every side as they sat around the table. Pichit snapped away as young women in teensy orange shorts and tight white tees flitted around them, secretly hoping for a chance to be on camera. One particularly desperate girl did a sensual flip over their tabletop before slinking away and winking at Viktor.

"Work it, girl," Christophe winked. Yuuri immediately eyed Viktor who just gave an appreciative nod in response.

"Attention whores." Yuri rolled his eyes in disgust. "Some people will do anything to be on TV," he complained to Otabek, leering directly into Camera B.

Pichit laughed, finally ending the recording on his phone before nudging his best friend. "Kind of reminds you of the old days, huh, Yuuri?"

Yuuri made a face at Pichit that lingered somewhere between panic and murderous intent.

* * *

 **CUT TO CONFESSION ROOM**

"Oh my God…" Yuuri whispered tremulously, fingernails digging into the upholstery of the confession room chair. "If Pichit reveals my dreaded secret I'll just **FUCKING DIE**!"

* * *

"The old days?" Viktor frowned.

"WAITER!" Yuuri called, suddenly anxious for his food.

A short girl with chestnut hair and large round green frames hurried over, boobs bouncing merrily.

"Ready to order?!" she asked in a bubbly tone, pulling a small clipboard from her waistband.

Otabek cleared his throat. "I actually haven't deci—"

"Yes!" Yuuri nodded rapidly before grabbing up the menu that he hadn't actually done as much as peek at yet. "Ah… Viktor?"

Still frowning at Yuuri's odd behavior, Viktor turned to the menu. "Sure... I'll have…"

They went around ordering one by one, Otabek going second to last and ending on Yuri.

The waitress cooed. "You look so adorable in your animal suit!"

"Bitch!" Yuri immediately snapped from beneath the hood, paws clenched. "It's a tiger skin!"

Most of the table gasped.

"Well!" The waitress put her hands on her hips, obviously offended.

"Yurio!" Viktor reprimanded him. "That was so rude! Apologize!"

Yurio scoffed.

"So sorry!" Yuuri clasped his hands together and bowed repeatedly to the waitress.

"I'm not apologizing to that bitch."

Yuuri sighed, dizzy from bowing. "Yurio, listen to your father."

The table grew silent, each of its occupants shooting Yuuri a confused look.

Yuuri's eye twitched. "Wh- what?!" High pitched laughter. "Did I say father?... Cause Viktor's not... And I'm _definitely_ not... I don't know what… That's crazy! HAHA!" Squirming uncomfortably, he turned to the waitress on the verge of tears. "How's the food coming along?"

"I'm not done taking the order yet," she responded, now also eying him suspiciously.

Yuuri sank down the back of his chair and out of view.

Chris did a slow blink. "Wow."

* * *

 **CUT TO CONFESSION ROOM**

"I don't get it," Chris shrugged, settling back into the red plush with crossed arms. "He's sexy on the ice, but obviously a total head case." He grinned. "If you ask me, Viktor needs a man who knows how to keep the crazy _in_ the bedroom." He winked.

* * *

"I want a beer!" Yuri banged on the table as a random waitress strolled past.

"Aren't you like 15?" Pichit asked.

"Go fuck a hamster," Yuri retorted and Pichit began recording for evidence. "Two Buds for me and Otabek!"

"Yurio, the legal drinking age here is even higher than in Russia," Viktor explained with a grin. "21."

"Fuck!"

"Nice try though!"

"Here we are!" Their original waitress suddenly announced, a large plate steaming with chicken wings, oysters, salad and drinks resting on her shoulders. She sat the plates down and distributed a white russian to Christophe— much to Yurio's dismay. Finally she turned to Viktor and Yuuri.

"Now boys…" she started. "We only had one cream soda in the back and no fountains for it." She sat the light brown bottle down on the table between them. "So who wants to order something else?"

"I will!" Viktor smiled and slid the bottle toward Yuuri. "I actually rather-"

Yuuri immediately rose from his slump. "Are you kidding? No way!" He waved his hands. "Viktor, you can have it!"

"But Yuuri," Viktor frowned. "I changed my m—"

"Viktor." Yuuri clenched his fists, intensity shooting to 100. "I insist you drink this bottle of cream soda. You've never had cream soda before! You don't know what it's like!"

Yuri snorted on his chocolate milk from the other end of the table.

"Actually I have— "

"Viktor NO!" Yuuri threw himself forward, taking Viktor by the shoulders. "This is important."

"Yuuri please…"

"You sat beside me," Yuuri stared soulfully into his eyes, expression solemn as the grave. "And you said you wanted cream soda. I _heard_ you."

"I know, but—"

"What kind of person would I be— what kind of monster— if I didn't relinquish this cream soda to you?!" he demanded, cheeks reddening. "Is that any way to show my love?!"

"Yuuri!" The whites of Viktor's eyes expanded.

"Viktor?" Yuuri lowered his eyes, glistening, trembling.

"Yes?"

"Drink the cream soda."

"Okay." Viktor slowly reached over to take the cream soda and Yuuri smiled.

"Wow." The waitress blinked, bewildered, at Yuuri. "… So you're good with water then?"

* * *

 **CUT TO CONFESSION ROOM**

Yuuri sighed in relief, his hand on his chest. "Crisis averted."

* * *

Chris and Viktor had left the rest of the crowd to chat at the bar. Or rather Viktor had walked to the bar to order a few drinks and Chris had taken the first opportunity to get him alone.

"So…" Chris started the second drink in. "That was weird, huh?"

Viktor stirred his vodka martini with a tiny straw, thoughts floating elsewhere. "Weird?"

Chris frowned, leaning one arm onto the bar. "The whole cream soda freak out?"

"Oh yeah," Viktor suddenly grinned, turning his back to the bar so that he was facing their group at the table. "He's so cute, right?!" He waved excitedly to Yuuri who gave him a small grin and a shy wave in return.

Chris's frown deepened, fingers closing snugly around his third white russian. "You don't think it was a little…"

"Adorable?!" Viktor gushed.

"… I was going to say manic."

"Manically hot?" Viktor asked, tapping a finger to his lips, a blush on his cheeks. "I'm so turned on right now." He downed the martini in a single gulp. "I'm gonna take my clothes off!" he cheered, wriggling out of his navy blue peacoat and bounding toward the table.

"Viktor!" Yuuri could be heard screeching from the table. "Not again!"

Chris gave a low grunting noise, his brow wrinkling as Pichit climbed upon the table for the best camera angle and Yuri attempted to smash Otabek's platter over Viktor's head.

* * *

 **CUT TO CONFESSION ROOM**

Chris stared at the camera for a long while with a petty sneer to rival all petty sneers. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."

* * *

Author's Note: Keep voting! And feel free to suggest reality show ideas/games/ etc. Thanks! I hope Yuuri wasn't TOO extra this chapter. I just watched the dub with my friend and dub Yuuri is far more dramatic. Probably influenced me. But it's great for a reality show parody AU! Everyone is supposed to be wackier here anyway.


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